Have you heard about Stop the Sexualization of Children Act HR76661? The American Library Association its opposition to this recently introduced book banning legislation stressing that “parents, not politicians should guide their children’s reading.”   

Protect the Children, or How to Ban a Book in 5 Simple Steps

If you have a child, or know a child that you desperately want to protect, read on. Are you worried that books are corrupting young minds? And by corrupt, we mean ideas and beliefs unlike yours.  

Step 1: Pick a book that you have not read. Any book, genre, or target age. Do not worry if the book is not controversial; your job is to make it more controversial with a fact-finding expedition. It’s never been easier to make any book controversial without even reading it! The goal is to prevent an innocent child from learning something. Remember: Protect the children.

Step 2: Judge the book by its cover, the title, the awards it’s received. Does the title sound suspicious? Does the cover artwork make you anxious? All signs indicate that this book should remain closed. Remember, do not read the book, because this will inject positive bias. Pro tip: The literary award name usually appears in a gold circle stamped on the front.   

Step 3: Read the front flap to understand the book’s premise, setting, and characters. No matter how interesting it sounds, do not read the book. Studies show that if you read the book you cannot argue effectively against banning the book. Trust us.

Step 4: Read the author’s bio to figure out what offends your sensibilities. Maybe you don’t like their name (too foreign sounding), where they live, or that they have an awful haircut. It’s tempting to get bogged down in the writer’s confusing pronouns, religion, or ethnicity but you don’t need to conduct research. Yes, really. Pro tip: Pick one offense and don’t back down.

Step 5: Is this book “required reading” for school? If yes, then storm the school board, picket the library, or harass the parents and teachers who have failed to think of the children’s future. Remember, act outraged that reading books promotes a student’s ability to think for themselves are available at school libraries. Fiery eyes, fist in the air, and foaming at the mouth (kidding) draws more attention to you than the cause. Pro tip: Calmly declare that the book contradicts your family values, depicts real historical events, or uses inappropriate language. Don’t use foul language when giving your opinion.   

Finally, if you are concerned that the next generation will be duly influenced by what they read, expanding their knowledge and understanding about who they are and the world around them, it’s your duty to speak up. But we advise against telling your children about your ultimate book burning, banning plans. Teenagers, in particular, will want to read the very books you are protecting them from. Then, these ungrateful children will challenge you and publicly fight for their right to read all the books.